The Internal Monologue

Letters To Me, The Before, Now and To Come   Letter II. Everything and Nothing, To my Suspended Self I lost a version of myself so completely that I cannot even remember her face, Yet, I spend every waking moment putting a crushing pressure on my soul to be a better replacement for that ghost, birthing a deep sense of inadequacy as I try to make up for a person who no longer exists. I am suspended in a void where I feel everything and nothing at all. I am simultaneously drowning in the sharp edges of my grief and swimming through the thick, suffocating waters of an anxiety that never lets me rest or find my footing.  Even the simple task of getting out of bed, becomes an impossible mountain, one that requires more courage than I have. It leaves me to drag my body through a life that feels like a weight I was never meant to carry.  I am NUMB and SCARED but still moving. I am hanging in there to find out who   is left when the suspension finally breaks... and if,...

Letters to Me, The Before, Now and To Come     Letter I.  The Quiet Noise   I thought the silence would finally give me room to breathe , a sanctuary where I c ould draw the air deep into my lungs and find a piece of heart to focus.  But  the stillness doesn't help as it should because it only makes my grief easier to  hear.  This quiet noise rings through my mind and leaves me stranded with a  version of myself I no longer recognize. It makes the stillness feel like a heavy  weight pressing against my chest rather than the gift I went looking for. I am  sitting in the wreckage of a silence that was supposed to be a cure but turned  out to be a cruel irony . So I am learning to stop waiting for the stillness to fix  the fractures in my soul. I am  deciding instead to inhabit the noise until it no  longer scares me, until the silence is no longer a burden, but a space where I am  allowed to ex...