002 UNSENT

Letters To Me, The Before, Now and To Come

 

Letter II.

Everything and Nothing, To my Suspended Self

I lost a version of myself so completely that I cannot even remember her face,

Yet, I spend every waking moment putting a crushing pressure on my soul to be a better replacement for that ghost, birthing a deep sense of inadequacy as I try to make up for a person who no longer exists.

I am suspended in a void where I feel everything and nothing at all.

I am simultaneously drowning in the sharp edges of my grief and swimming through the thick, suffocating waters of an anxiety that never lets me rest or find my footing. 

Even the simple task of getting out of bed, becomes an impossible mountain, one that requires more courage than I have.

It leaves me to drag my body through a life that feels like a weight I was never meant to carry. 

I am NUMB and SCARED but still moving.

I am hanging in there to find out who is left when the suspension finally breaks... and if, I will ever be allowed to just be, without the constant, pounding fear of not being enough.

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